January 2012
72 posts
Please Stop
“God, people are still making these? These are awful.” - Shit people say about Shit People Say Videos
I'm On To You.
I’m working on a theory that Rachel Maddow and Justin Bieber are secretly the same person.
New Study
According to a new study, talking after having sex is just as important as sex. …that’s why I always haggle on pricing with the girl.
What Is Love
The Vow and The Notebook have really shown me what women want… chronic memory loss.
Dear Ladies
Dear Ladies,
The penis is the male G-spot. You’re welcome.
Sincerely,
Scientists
Brace Yourself
Both Kenny G and Seal’s marriages fell apart, my orthodontist’s office is going to be even sadder now. Which honestly, I thought was impossible.
Reality Show
I’m pitching a reality show where we take the Real Housewives and the Kardashians and we put them on an island.
Then we blow up that island.
It’ll be called “Karma”.
1 tag
Signs I'm Out of Shape
I pulled something in my knee eating a chicken parm.
Confused
I don’t watch sports… Joe Paterno was the old man from UP, right?
Joe Pa
Between Joe Paterno and Kim Jong-il, I gotta say it’s been a rough year for comically over-sized glasses.
Sleep Number
My sleep number mattress is set at 90 proof.
WatchI taught Dexter how to yawn. It was easy I just made him watch a lot of Two Broke Girls.
Mark Wahlberg
I’m just glad Mark Wahlberg did stop the 9-11th seasons of Entourage. That would have been a real disaster.
Heidi and Seal
Heidi Klum has filed for divorce against Seal. Heidi should have at least divorced Seal privately, so he could save some face.
He’s doesn’t have that much to go around.
Snow!
3 inches in Philly already, not sure if this storm is a show-er or a grow-er though.
WatchI think Dexter is on drugs, he just lays around and watches the Simpsons all day. Also he’s all of a sudden supporting Ron Paul.
1 tag
Gingrich
It appears that Newt Gingrich is in the front of the pack for the SC primary. Which sucks for the other candidates. The only worse place to be behind Newt’s gigantic head is a movie theater.
1 tag
Wallmart
Wallmart smells like a giant retainer case… actually that may be my socks. shit.
Ball's in Your Court
Sometimes I like to say things to my therapist just to see how she handles it.
This week it was:
“It’s like my mom always says, ‘Dreams are forever, and nightmares are just things you deserve that haven’t happened yet.”
Your move Dr. lady.
1 tag
Sad
It’s a bittersweet moment when the bartender at Applebee’s recognizes you and gives you a pint for free.
Not Again
The movie Taxi Driver and the movie Taxi are not the same film. My Aunt is totally not going to let me babysit the kids anymore.
1 tag
Rizzoli + Isles
Rizzoli + Isles sounds like something you’d find on an Olive Garden menu. But it turns out… it’s actually way shittier than that.
My Bad
The movie Blue Valentine is not the same movie as Valentines Day. Sorry Grandma, that was awkward for both of us.
Song Writing
I’m writing a song about delirium tremens called, “I Got the Moves like Jäger.”
The Vow
All these “I’m your husband you don’t remember” movies are just teaching me that showing up at the amnesia ward of the hospital is a good way to get at least a first date.
SOPA/PIPA
A lot of people are confused on what SOPA and PIPA are. I say think of it this way, if SOPA is the future queen of online censorship that everyone pays attention to, PIPA is the less-important, kinda lame sister of the queen.
So, PIPA is essentially the Pipa of online censorship, minus the stupid hats. Good?
Wikipedia
The main difference between myself and Wikipedia is that more strangers write all over me when I am blacked out.
Double Standard
Everyone is applauding Wikipedia for blacking out tomorrow.
Well I’ve been blacking out every weekend since 2007 and all I get are restraining orders and leg bruises.
Too Little Too Late
I just read that the internet is going black tomorrow. Umm MLK Day was yesterday, you idiots.
3 tags
SOPA
In the heart of protest, I will not be posting on the Pillow Fort until SOPA is officially defeated… or until I come up with something clever and funny again.
Pillow Fort Construction
Hey guys,
I added a little list of some of my longer and favorite articles from the Pillow Fort to the menu of my home page, including:
Girls Like Mysterious Guys
Google
My Sweet Catholic Guilt
Middle School P.I.
Plight of the Skinny Fat
So if you are bored, read some… or don’t… whatever, I’m just trying to help.. fine, just forget it then. You don’t have to...
At the Golden Globes
Madonna’s dress really shows off her exoskeleton.
At the Golden Globes
Security just stopped me at the door.
They ain’t buying the “I’m BJ Novak’s retarded brother” alibi.
Bad Idea
Putting a black light in the computer room was a bad idea. It looks like a laser tag arena in here.
Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney has owned several companies and was in charge of buying and selling off other companies.
Mitt Romney also promoted the belief that companies are people.
Thus by his own logic, Mitt Romney has owned, bought and sold people his entire life.
Unfortunately, this is the only real attribute he shares with America’s forefathers.
Note: While Colbert made a similar joke last night, I...
Whom Are You Going to Call
“Actually Egon, it’s ‘I’m not afraid of any ghosts.’ So yea…”
- Pretentious Ghost Buster
Middle School P.I.: The Case of The Red Scare
Of all the snack bars in town, she had to walk into mine…
Last Tuesday passed like most school days; it was a basic cool afternoon, the cafeteria served Texas Tommy’s, and Mrs. Turtello assigned way too much homework on a bunch of stuff we hadn’t even gone over in class yet. It would seem like any other day at Middlebury Middle School; that is, unless, you were in Mrs. Simmon’s algebra class.
At...
Disgusting!
I’m calling Amnesty International, I just saw a spa that is selling Brazilians for $50!
That has got to be a human rights violation, Brazilian people are at least worth twice that!
Live and Learn
The major difference between a life-like baby mannequin and a real baby is the weight. Which is totally going to throw off the range on this catapult I built.
Un-happy Hour
“Are you there, Chelsea” is airing right after “Whitney”, I’ve heard more laughs in the waiting room of a battered women’s shelter.
1 tag
Contraceptives
Rick Santorum said that he would support banning contraceptives to help bring the youth closer to God.
While this may seem nuts at first, I think he may have a point. I know I’ve never prayed harder than after a miscalculated pull out.
Probably
Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah are making a movie together.
I’m assuming the film is entitled: “Big Floppity Boobies and Sassy Remarks”
It's A Flop!
Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah are making a movie together. It’s the first movie where the audience will be given 3 double-d glasses.
1 tag
College Humor Joke
Hey guys,
I wrote a joke on http://www.facebook.com/CollegeHumor the joke with the most likes gets a tee shirt and it’s getting cold in Philly, so help me out! Like it and I will be your internet friend forever.
Thanks!
(It’s in the comments section of the “Wednesday Open Mic Post” I’m like the tenth one so you may have to hit the “see previous posts”...
More Realistic Rihanna Lyrics
“We found love in an office space.”